Friday, June 1, 2012

I promise to my kids...

I promise to my kids that I will call them everyday when they are grown, just to check on them and see how they are doing. I will love and support them no matter what, and help them out in whatever way I can. I want to do this for my kids, because I do not get this from my mom. I am not trying to put my mom on blast ( I am not sure if she even read this ) but I am just expressing how much I still need and long for her attention ( even at 28 years old ). I feel like our relationship is very one sided. Meaning, if I don't call her, or take the kids to see her, she doesn't see or talk to us. I went to therapy last year about this same issue with her, and I thought that things were slowly getting better until I stepped back and saw that it was me who was putting the effort in, and not her. I am so crazy jealous of other girls my age who have really strong bonds with their mom. I don't. It makes me so sad, but I have come to accept that this is the way it is, and I will have to deal with it. I do not want to be like that with my kids. I am so scared that I will. But everyday I try and remind myself of the mom I want to be, and the mom that I wished I had. My mom did the best she could with what she was dealing with at the time. That is me talking about my childhood. BUT, I want her to be a good grandma to my kids, and she seems to busy with her life to take 5 minutes out of her day to call and check on us. I guess she thinks she keeps up with us through facebook and that is good enough. I don't know. This is just me rambling off my thoughts, and I am sure that nothing will come of it. I just feel alone sometimes.

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